Stuff I’m Planning to Do to My Son’s Car—Now that He Has One!

Well, I’m officially old! My seventeen-year-old son now has a car and this post is strictly for your comic relief! Lance worked hard and saved, and it was a joy to help get a car for him as a graduation gift. It’s a nice, 2003 yellow mustang with about 70,000 miles, but in great shape. It runs well and we’ve had fun teaching him how to drive a stick-shift.

This evening, I sat in the passenger’s seat as he drove us to church and a funny thought hit me! I should pay him back for all the crazy things he’s done to my vehicles since the day he was born! This is my chance! And so… here’s my detailed list of things to do to his car in the coming months:

1. I’m going to find a baby and let it spit up all over his back seat, front seat, and on him. (Among other things that I cannot mention)

2. I’m going to spill four baby-bottles of warm formula on the carpet and leave it there to curdle.

3. I’m going to get an entire box of saltine crackers and grind them into little crumbles into his seats and floors. I will repeat this within one hour of every time he vacuums his car.

4. I’m going to dump two full boxes of McDonald’s french fries between the cracks in every part of the car—where they are still visible, but impossible to reach with any man-made device.

5. I’m going to get three half peeled bananas and cram them into spaces between the upholstery—preferably where the mush will get on his hand when he buckles his seat-belt.

6. I’m going to get two trash bags full of gum wrappers, sticky pieces of candy, half-eaten laffy-taffy, popsicle sticks, and straw papers and cram them deeply into the pockets on back of the front seats. I will repeat this frequently as well.

7. I’m going to leave a sealed can of soda long enough for it to explode all over the dashboard in warm weather.

8. I’m going to leave a large McDonalds cup half full of coke in the cup-holder until the bottom of the cup falls out leaving sticky coke residue so thick that a blow torch is required to remove it.

9. I’m going to wait until his windows are steamy, icey, or dirty and write “Cary was here”  and “wash me” all over them.

10.  I’m going to buy 100 McDonalds happy meal toys and leave them spontaneously in every nook and cranny for him to find over the next 100 weeks.

11. I’m going to stick chewed gum to the cup holders and CD player. At the same time I will remove all CD’s and replace them with Patch the Pirate.

12. I’m going to take my shoes to a very dirty place, grind them for two hours in dirt and mud, and then rub them on the floors, the sides of the doors, and the backs of the seats—making sure to leave clearly visible shoe imprints all over the clean trim and upholstery.

13. I’m going to get two half-eaten cheeseburgers and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich—remove the burgers from the buns take the sandwich apart, and place them strategically out of site in the various storage compartments of the car to be found several months later.

14. I’m going to bring coloring books and crayons—drop the crayons in fragments wherever they might fall, and then tear pages out of the book and cram them up under the seats.

15. I’m going to melt chocolate and drip it right where he sits in the driver’s seat.

16. I’m going to take four random objects from my room or office and leave them in his car every time I ride in it.

17. I’m going to find a nice black ball-point pen and draw pictures on the ceiling fabric above the passenger seat.

18. I’m going to get a large car seat, sit in it, and scream for three hours when he’s driving somewhere.

19. I’m going to sit behind him and kick the back of his seat while he’s driving.

20. I’m going to spontaneously take whatever I’m holding at the moment and throw it at his head while he’s driving—just because I feel like it.

And for my grand finale— I’m going to find a large paper clip, and just for fun, jam it into the ignition, pretending it’s a key. When it gets stuck, I’m going to twist and turn it until it breaks and stays there. Then I’m going to watch while he waits for the tow-truck driver to take him to the dealership to remove the paperclip remnant and return the car to functionality.

At this point in time, I will feel satisfied with sweet revenge and we can call it even.

But at the same time, I will be very sad that he is now driving himself to school. I will fight back the tears that he is grown and all of these things are just funny, distant memories! We sure have had a great time watching him grow up—though our vehicles have paid a dear price!

We love you Lance!